Anger Management Techniques to use when it's all too much

By | Anger Management, Anger Management Techniques, Life Coaching Tips | No Comments

This week I received a call from a client that was going through a crisis. Let’s call her Kate. Kate was in such a bad way that she was not using any of the Anger Management Techniques she had learned. However after a few moments of talking to her she was able to take control of her state and became calm.

When Kate came to me she was on stress leave due to a bullying incident in the workplace. Kate was very much at the effect of what happened to her and it was turning her world upside down. During the work I had done with her about her workplace issue, Kate had a number of realizations that she needed to take control of. All of a sudden she realised that so many parts of her life were unfulfilled:

  • Her relationship with her partner and children;
  • Her health;
  • Her career;

Just to name a few.

Once she was away from the workplace she started to feel better and started to make changes in her relationship with her kids. Kate decided that her partner was not the right person for her and it was time to separate, something that had been on the cards for some time, but now she was willing to take action on it. She even started to set up her own business and could see the need to develop herself and head a different career path. Everything was in turmoil; however Kate was in control and working through it.

It was not until her return to work that Kate was truly tested and gave me a call on the Monday morning of her first day back at work. It turns out the mediation was not going to take place until the following Thursday. This was inappropriate from a mediation point of view as she felt as though she was in hiding in her office with nothing to do apart from wait until Thursday. She was not able to have closure on the initial issue, the workplace bullying incident until the event had been completed.

One of the points I make clear with clients going through a difficult time in a specific area of their life such as a relationship break up or court case, is that the best results are achieved once the “event” is complete and hence the reason why Kate was in a complete state. We applied some of the simple yet effective techniques she had learned, and of course in a short five minute conversation I had her at a point that she could talk about the situation and not get upset.

One of the points I made with Kate, and during this post, and it’s a critical point, is that you can only work on a problem of an event once it has been completed. For Kate she had worked on the workplace situation but it was not yet complete until the mediation had occurred. So as soon as she was in the environment it all sparked up again.

So we applied one of the simple tips I recommend in my free three tips to control your anger in the Make Anger History product for anger management and anger management techniques. The one that I used that had the fastest and most effective results was to stop and recognise the emotion you are feeling which is a three part process:
1. Name the emotion you are feeling.
This is a very powerful process as it quickly turns your attention to the fact that you are indeed feeling something that may be overwhelming you. You see, feeling negative emotions such as anger or anxiety is the body’s way of telling you something is wrong and to take notice. Just like an injury, you feel pain that in turn brings it to your attention. The emotion of anger presents when your boundaries have been crossed. And this is a very personal thing as everyone has different values and boundaries. So stopping and saying to yourself ‘I am feeling anger’ is the first step to controlling it.

2. Once you name the emotion you then are acknowledging it.
When I did this with Kate her state of anger and anxiety dropped to a point where she could control it. Simple as it may sound, it’s often difficult to practice when in heightened negative emotional states. “I am feeling anger” and then following it by acknowledging the emotion by thanking your unconscious mind for enabling you to feel that something has crossed your boundaries is step 2 of the process.

3. Set a time to “deal” with it.
If you do not actually deal with the event or emotion it gets buried in the interim but will come back. This is where you habitually react to a certain trigger, as you hadn’t dealt with the initial incident. Sometimes it may not be possible to deal with the emotion at the time so you need to set a time to deal with it.

The entire process goes like this:

You feel a negative emotion or get upset so you ask “what emotion am I feeling?”
You name the emotion – “I am feeling anger”.
You then acknowledge the emotion and set a time to deal with it – “I will deal with this on x date and x time” and make sure you actually deal with it.

For Kate we set a date after the mediation so that she could have completion on the event, then address all the emotions she had to deal with the days before the mediation. The result was that Kate could talk about the issue at work and discuss how it made her feel, how it had affected her without getting “plugged in” to the negative emotions, then and into the future.

If you are feeling anger at certain triggers or have not dealt with anger from the past please try this super-effective process. I have taught this process to hundreds of people and it has helped to alleviate a lot of the angst around anger around situations that have happened in the past. It is also effective at dealing with anxiety.

Be sure to tell me how you go with the first Anger Management Technique. We have had great feedback from people that have used our three free tips.

The Need for Anger Management Techniques in Domestic Violence

By | Anger Management, Anger Management Techniques, Life Coaching Tips, Tips for Coaching Clients | No Comments

This week in Australian politics and media we are seeing some much needed attention on domestic violence. This has led me to be even more determined to educate people in the need to learn anger management techniques which work, even in the context of domestic violence.

The shocking statistics reveal that there is an average of one woman killed each week as a result of domestic violence, in fact it’s slightly more than that at approximately 70 women per year. These are women being killed by a current or ex partner. Six children have been killed by a family member this year in Victoria alone (as at July 2014). The statistics are horrifying.

Surely this can be prevented. The cost to society is some $4.5 billion annually, and that’s just for NSW. This does not even take in to consideration the other part of the story that we do not hear or see and that’s the women and children that are injured at the hand of family members, or the children who witness the violence and the associated trauma they take into their adult lives.

I heard one statement from an advocate for change say that if a level crossing had this much carnage it would be in the media every other day and something significant would be done about it.

So is this a cultural problem? Is this a societal problem? Is it a sign of the times? Or is this just an example of a world going wild with people lacking resources?

On reflection I had to go through the process of perception positioning, and looking at other examples. This in turn sparked my own memory of my history, that lucky for me, led me to a path to deal with it rather than let it take control of my life. In my current model of the world I could not imagine hurting another person physically or emotionally.

But that was not always the case.

There was a time where I was very capable of doing serious harm to another human being. I didn’t, but I felt as though I was very close, on numerous occasions.

Back before I had started my journey towards becoming who I am today I was in a bad way. They say that in order to make change you have to be in a really good place or a really bad place. For me it was being in a really bad place.

I was going through a major break up with the same person, who I believed was the “love of my life”. This was the second break up in 10 years with the same person and in both cases I had been “betrayed” as she left me for someone else, each time it was someone that I knew. At that time I was lacking a lot of understanding and had zero tools to deal with it.

On top of that my business was in a bad way. So I focused all of my negative energy and rage on to her; and I felt some serious rage. I think the point I knew I was in trouble was when I tried to cross 3 lanes of traffic to mount the curb to run her down. Thankfully I failed but I was at that point where I could not reconcile how angry I was. The notion of anger management was not even a term I knew.

I did not have any anger management techniques that I could lean on; I was blindingly angry, and had no way of knowing how to control it.

So am I surprised by the statistics? The fact is no I am not. Do I see a way to reduce the statistics? Absolutely. But it will require people (both men and women) to be aware of their behavior.

How does that happen? Education and the need to want to do something about it. From my own experience the feeling I was going through was painful, really painful. I would do anything to make the pain stop.

On the other side, the release I experienced when I decided to let go of the anger was profound. I physically and mentally changed, and on a spiritual level I felt that I had evolved.

I had been tested again about 18 months after that disastrous split where a new partner had been unfaithful. In this case when I confronted her about the “other guy” she tried to walk away. I had just had a civil conversation with him face to face, something that I would never have been able to do in the past. If that had happened and I had not gone through my journey of discovering anger management techniques I would have felt an overwhelming urge to throw her from the open 6 story balcony window; something I doubt I would’ve done but would’ve REALLY wanted to do. Unfortunately in too many situations, the urge is played out.

So is there an anger management technique that works? I can tell you there is.

I would love to hear your thoughts on domestic violence and anger management. What are your stories – has there been a trigger that was clear before it ended in violence?

As I have experienced myself, I am sure there are cases where women have provoked anger in a male, but there is never an excuse for violence against anybody. Can there be a space to diffuse the situation before it gets to violence and who is responsible?


Life Coaching Tip 1 – Cause and effect

By | Life Coaching Tips | No Comments

Over the many years of life coaching and life coaching training with thousands of people I have found that there are three very basic principles that enable people who want to achieve results actually achieve those results.

These three basic principles are not new and many people call them by different names. But the fact is they are the basis of getting results.

Whenever I am coaching a client, having a conversation, or conducting a training I hold these three concepts in my mind. I am listening to a person’s language pattern, and the way they use certain words like “try” or “I can’t”. I am asking myself what is going on in their mind that has them not achieving the goals they set for themselves or living the life they want.

Now if it was only these three things and these three things alone to get results then it would be easy, however it’s not but these three things are necessary to begin to see changes and positive results in your life.

The first of these three principles that I always have in my mind when doing life coaching is to make sure you are at cause and not at the effect of the world and/or environment around you. We use the formula C < E: ‘C’ for cause and ‘E’ for effect, with an arrow directed at ‘C’ as a reminder to be focused on being at cause of an issue, problem, situation, rather than at the effect of that issue, problem or situation, putting you in a stronger, more empowered position of response.

It is extremely disempowering to be at the effect of someone or something. Yet people are always slipping to the effect side of the equation, whether it’s related to work, relationships, career or health. You will know when you are on the wrong side of the equation when you are saying or thinking things like, “they did it to me”, “it’s because of A that B happened and therefore I couldn’t get what I wanted”, and “if it was not for them this wouldn’t have happened” etc. Changing your thinking around this will take some time but it is important to start in order to not be at the effect of whatever is going on around you.

So what side of the equation are you currently on?

What has happened this week or today that you are at the effect of? List them here and let’s see if there is a common theme or pattern of response.

In the next post I will talk about the 2nd principle for getting results when life coaching but for now let’s hear what or who you are at the effect of?

Life Coaching Tip 2 – Focus on what you want

By | Bushiness Coaching, Life Coaching Tips | No Comments

This is so obvious but you’d be surprised how so few people actually do it. Most people are thinking of reasons or excuses why they can’t get what they want. Or even worse, they don’t even know what they want. When coaching someone, this is frequently one of the primary focuses you’ll be working on.

When looking at case studies of successful people the common denominator is that they were very clear about what they wanted and every cell of their body was focused on obtaining that goal. Whether it’s helping people improve their lives, having a great relationship, making money through business ventures, renovating a property, obtaining a qualification that enables them to carry out a particular vocation, behind every success story is a story of steely determination, persistence and hard work focusing on what they very clearly wanted.

It’s is clear that over time you will get what you focus on. The key to success, or not, is that you have a choice for that to be what you want or what you do not want.

Let’s look at three examples:

  • Health,
  • Business,
  • Relationships.

People that often get an illness or sickness will say “I knew I was going to get this”. They may not say it out loud but often it is via their internal chatter. Or more simply “I am about to go on holidays, I really do not want to get sick.” Or what about this one: ‘I’ll get a flu shot as the flu is really bad this year and I don’t want to get sick”, and they are one of the first to get that flu.

All are very common comments and thoughts that you may have used or heard other people use and they are all examples of focusing on what you do not want. 

You’ll be surprised, once you go looking, how often people are focusing on what they don’t want. Baggage from parenting, negative events that have left emotional scars, and just the general wear and tear of life knocking the wind out of people, easily leads to self talk of avoiding perceived negative situations rather than moving towards desired, positive situations. You’ll start to see that it’s so common you’ll wonder who is actually focusing on what they do want.

So what can be done to shift this focus?

Firstly we need to become aware of what language we are currently using. It may be the first time that someone has realised what they are doing and what they are actually focusing on.

Once they are aware of what they are doing, simply, they can begin structuring their language in a way that they are stating what they want.

“I would give my right arm for that car” could result in an injury of your right arm. So instead, you would state what you want: “I will have a car like that” or “I am looking forward to having a healthy holiday”.

When going into negotiations or deals in business people often say to themselves ‘God I hope I do not blow this sale” or “I hope I don’t get the sack with this downturn in the economy”. I’m not advocating that just by changing your focus bad things won’t happen. You may still be in the firing line when the company starts cutting costs. But by changing the focus on what you do want, you’ll reduce the net effect of your negative thinking overall. You’ll also increase your resilience, how you respond, to the negative things that occur that are out of your control. Choosing how you respond to a negative situation is key to whether you will bounce back quickly or get stuck in a downward spiral.

This is one that I myself got stuck in: “I do not want debt.” So if you are focusing on what you don’t want – debt, what are you going to create? Debt. You may pay off your credit card and then the bank will sends you a one page letter, with a self addressed prepaid envelope with tick here and sign so we can give you a bigger limit on your credit card. What have you just done? Created more debt! In a past business I had actually created a whole world of debt that I could no longer manage. Luckily I had the wherewithal to seek out a business coach who helped me get out of a very stressful situation. It could have ended very badly had I not sought help and implemented the strategies at that time.

Everybody wants to love and be loved. And this is a common area of where people are focusing on what they don’t want. Some common examples that I hear every day: “I hope he does not cheat on me”, “I do not want to be in a relationship with someone that does not treat me well”, or “I do not want to be in a relationship with someone that does not like going and doing adventurous things, travelling, etc”.  Effectively you are focusing on what you do not want. We know that this is a clear way of getting more of what you do not want.

So if you are coaching someone that has the same events or things happening to them in their career or business, relationships or health, have a look at their language and self talk. Having seen hundreds of clients and trained thousands of people, I can guarantee that you’ll find a fair amount of focusing on what is not wanted. And even more surprising is that the person is completely unaware that they’ve been focusing on what they do not want.

Begin working with your client on changing their language to very clearly focusing on what they do want, and set tasks that strongly target this area.

Business Coaching – The importance of intent

By | Bushiness Coaching | No Comments

This week I completed a business coaching session with a client that has had a few obstacles within her business. Throughout the business coaching call she had a number of light bulb moments. This led me to remember the importance of intent. For the purpose of this case study let’s call this client Linda.

A bit of background on Linda: her business is in training and consulting in the HR industry (human resources) with both government and private sectors. For all intents and purposes business had been good, not booming, but a profitable business with a niche that was never going to become irrelevant. Linda was seen as an expert and her team had a very good track record of delivering outcomes, be it enterprise agreements, dealing with unfair dismissal claims, or just setting up HR systems and procedures.

Over the last 6 months Linda had her emotional energy directed in other areas. Her mother had been sick and as a result Linda had to spend time interstate, dealing with family and personal matters that would, for anyone, be very distracting from running a business.

Following that, Linda had a fall and bumped her head, which resulted in serious damage. This prevented her from focusing on work for extended periods of time, and left her less than resourceful when needed for complicated matters and/or difficult people.

Subsequently she was not actively chasing new business and had existing government contracts expire. So all of a sudden Linda was faced with a balance sheet looking very unbalanced and heading towards financial trouble. It was clear that some action was needed.

Throughout the call we discussed a number of things:
Number of existing clients
What are the profit points?
What is the purpose of the business?
What can you do today that can move you towards your outcome?

Through these questions I discovered that Linda had a number of business coaching programs that had not really taken off. I also discovered that within her sector there is a lot of energy spent dealing with issues at the point of the problem, and not much attention paid to incentives to prevent her clients from having HR issues. As an example, Linda explained that she is needed most when her clients have made mistakes with unfair dismissal, and inappropriate management of employees and contractors. In the latest example, I learnt that one of Linda’s clients received an invoice for $16,000 for ???.  I’m sure any business would prefer to have a prevention strategy and pay less than that. Not to mention that on top of that they had to pay out the employee. In response to these recurring situations, we looked at how to package Linda’s business coaching programs and how to market them to her HR clients.

The process was very simple but effective. We did a process of chunking logical levels. We got two contexts and concepts and created three coaching packages that now have marketability.

She implemented a number of the concepts and managed to start coaching and selling $5000 coaching packages with referrals and clients coming forward very quickly.

Following up on the business coaching session we did, Linda’s business started to evolve in a way that worked very well for her and allowed her business to grow in an area that was both profitable and gave her much satisfaction.

Since our coaching, her business has increased and is on track to outdo the previous benchmarks that had been set. Linda was even featured in the Australian Financial Review.

This all started with understanding her intent and what she wanted to do, helping her change her focus, setting some goals and taking small steps that moved her towards those goals.

So what is your intent with your business?

When was the last time you had a good “logical level think” around your business?

Relationship Coaching for Relationship Breakup?

By | Relationship Coaching | No Comments


5 Tips to help you move on after a break up –   Relationship Coaching

Have you just been dumped? Feeling devastated, lost, rejected or probably all of the above? Emotions like anger, fear, intense sadness, guilt, grief and despair are common after going through one of life’s most painful experiences. And just when you think you couldn’t feel any worse, jealousy and self blame creep in to kick you while you’re down.

We have all been through a relationship break up or five, and whether you’ve been the dumper or the dumpee, it never gets easier. Having been through it myself and helping many, many people in coaching or trainings, following are 5 tips I would go through in Relationship Coaching to help you get back on track after a relationship breaks down. As difficult as it may be to believe, a relationship breakdown can provide new opportunities for a richer and deeper experience of living. Following are 5 simple steps to get yourself back into the happy single person you need to be to get ready for the next new and unexplored stage of your life. By following these steps you will be able to help yourself create new possibilities that will lead you to places you never dreamed of!

Step 1 Close the door! Not sure how you will ever live without the ex? After spending so much intimate time with someone, it’s understandable that you feel as though you’ll never share such experiences with anyone else again. But as Henry Ford said ‘whether you think you can or you can’t either way you’re right’. Believing that there is someone out there that will meet your relationship needs will keep you open and aware of the opportunity when, not if, it arises.

Relationship Coaching sad girlSo to begin moving forward you need to cleanse. Take all memorabilia of your ex down and stow it away or return it. This means all clothing, CDs, furniture, tickets to the next concert or outing you had planned. Clean out the bathroom and bedroom, in fact it may even help to give the whole house a good clean out, giving you a fresh start. If you have any financial commitments together sort them out promptly, fairly and amicably. If you owe money or are owed money sort out a payment plan and ensure that all debts are paid. You will feel empowered by taking control of the situation and achieving a fair and equitable outcome for both parties. It may be difficult at this fragile and vulnerable time but integrity, self respect and a clean slate are worth the hard work.

Step 2 Remove all contact. The temptation to call your ex is often overwhelming, particularly if you’ve been on a big night out or are going through a rough patch. But to help you resist the midnight calls – dump it! Email addresses, phone numbers, Facebook and My Space profiles – all of it, delete it or burn it to a disk and give it to your best friend (password protected), so the temptation to contact is dealt with. This serves two purposes, it removes the temptation to call or send an email when you are feeling weak or lonely, and it’s only natural to want to do this. We can all be accused of making the call that we often later regret. It also removes the temptation to go back to them, if the opportunity should arise. It’s a rare relationship that works the second or third time around, and is often dependent upon the circumstances that led to the break up rather than fundamental differences in relationship needs. If you do fall off the wagon, you’re likely to soon be asking yourself why am I here again and having to go through all the pain and stress of the split, again.

Step 3 Repair the damage. When in a relationship we often lose contact with close friends. If you had any fights or arguments with people about the ex, or if you neglected friends, now is the time to call and say thanks and sorry for not listening/being there. Realise that you’ve been somewhere else and now you’re back. Write a list of what you have learnt from the relationship, both good and bad. In order not to create the same pattern you need to learn from the experience. Write it all down. Go over the list and mark all the items that your ex did to you that you felt were not your fault with an E next to it. Mark all the items on the list that you did yourself or those things that you had control of with a letter C. Take time to reflect and be honest with yourself. Now look at all the Es on your list and ask yourself how did I let that happen? How did I create that? This will allow you to see how you handed yourself over to someone else or maybe you were the one who did all the controlling? If you were the one who was blamed for the failure of the relationship, whether this is true or not, having the feeling of being at cause of the events that you did not feel you had control over will give you personal empowerment and means you will not be a victim!

Step 4 Moving on. Now for the fun part. There’s nothing like a bit of motivation and inspiration to get you excited about moving on and living your life. Make a list of all the things you wanted to do but did not because of your ex. While you’re at it imagine you were given 5 years to live and add all the things you’d want to achieve before you went. Give each of the items on your to do list a time frame. Don’t forget to include setting a time that you will be ready to date again. This will be whenever you feel is comfortable, maybe before you have ticked off a few things on the list, built up your self confidence and gained a few new experiences, and you can see yourself getting back out there.
While you’re at it, make a list of all the things you want in your ideal partner. Include details of their hair colour, skin colour, height, build, values, and interests in an extensive list. This list should not be with someone in mind but an imaginary person that has all the qualities you are looking for. Now make a list of all the items in that list that you feel you would be unable to attract or that you feel you do not have in yourself right now. Write down why you believe you do not have them.
Once you’ve done the above, work through the questions below. It may help to have a friend read the questions out loud to you to help you formulate your ideas. You don’t have to answer out loud in response.
1. “What specifically do you want?” (referring to the qualities you want in your ideal partner that you feel you don’t have in yourself).
2. “Where are you now?”- (specify your present situation regarding the quality you’re thinking of).
3. “What will you see, hear, feel, etc., when you have it?” (specify your optimal outcome should you have the quality that you have chosen to focus on).
Act as if you have it now to give you the internal feeling of having that quality. 
Make it compelling – really believe that you have that quality. Insert it into your future – you know how it feels, make it a part of you.
• “How will you know when you have it? (how will your life feel different by having this quality?)
• “What will this outcome get for you or allow you to do?”
• “Where, when, how, and with whom do you want it?”
• “What do you have now, and what do you need to get your outcome?”
• “Have you ever had or done this before?”
• “Do you know anyone who has?”
• “Can you act as if you have it?”
Is it ecological?
• “For what purpose do you want this?”
• “What will you gain or lose if you have it?”
• What will happen if you get it?
• What won’t happen if you get it?
• What will happen if you don’t get it?
• What won’t happen if you don’t get it?

Step 5 Get active and plan your life. Write at least one significant, life changing goal for each timeframe of 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 3 years and 5 years. Write your goals so that they meet the SMART goal criteria of goal setting:
S – Specific, Simple
; M – Measurable, Meaningful to you;
 A – As if now, Achievable, All areas of your life; 
R – Realistic, Responsible / Ecological; 
T – Timed, Toward What You Want.
For example: it’s now (INSERT DATE) and I am with my ideal partner that has (YOUR WISH LIST). Then take the last step of your goal, how you know you have it and put it out into the future on a date that you set. SMART goals allow you to plan, clarify, implement and measure how well you went in achieving your goals. Can you imagine getting in your car and just driving – without a destination, a map, fuel? It’s the same with your life, if you don’t have goals how do you know where you’re going?

These 5 steps are guaranteed to get you moving towards the next stage of your life and not have you pondering the “what if” of the breakdown and blaming other people. I have helped many people find their ideal partner and get over a relationship break up which forms just some of the work I do.

Can your thinking change your body?

By | Life Coaching Tips | No Comments

Today on a coaching call I was talking to a lady who is a “Quantum Healer”. Her motivation for wanting to learn more was so she could get a certification from me that would allow her to get Public Liability Insurance to practice this technique. I had to explain in simple terms that just because you apply for a car license does not mean you can hop onto a motorbike legally.

We had a bit of a discussion about what she’s specifically wanting to work with. She responded that she wanted to heal people. Now I am sure no doubt that the techniques that she has learned could enable or support the client to heal but to come out and say ‘I heal them’ is a dangerous concept. This is for two reasons.

In today’s world the Western medical profession reserves the right to cure and heal. Big Phama would like to keep it that way, so society does not like anyone healing or curing, unless you are a medical doctor. This is clear and if you go back through history you will see many many cases of this.

Dr Esdale in India is just one example that comes to mind. He was able to reduce the fatality rate during arm and leg amputation by using a simple technique known as mesmerism (early form of hypnosis). Upon his return to London he presented his findings to the British Medical Association with a clear outcome of reducing mortalities by a third, yet the medical association believed at the time that if someone died during the treatment, it was God’s will to punish the patient for their sins.

So as a complementary or alternative healer, you are going to be fighting a big battle with many Western medical practitioners and the medical authorities showing great cynicism towards complementary and/or alternative therapies. My only advice here is to fight the battles worth fighting as there are many medical practitioners who do recognise the merits and value of alternative therapies.

Secondly if you approach it as though you are healingl the client then the client has given his or her power over to you. This is a dis-empowering thought process. The best client is a client that heals themselves. So if you enable them to have a different way of thinking, maybe take on some suggestions that they can, in fact, get in contact with the part of the body that will heal them, that is a very different process to “I need you to heal me”.

So think of helping people as enabling them to heal themselves, be the guide to assist, be the person to empower that person into the belief that they can heal or cure.  And remember, best practice of working with clients is to always have a referral from the client’s GP.

6 Big Mistakes Most Life Coaches Make

By | Life Coaching Tips, Tips for Coaching Clients | No Comments

As a life coach we all want to help people; and we’re keen to get out there actually coaching people, however having trained thousands of people over many years I’ve seen many people not do as well as they had hoped, certainly at the outset. It can put the wind in the sails of talented and enthusiastic life coaches.

I’ve put it down to 6 mistakes that a coach needs to avoid early on in their career.

Many of you will have already made these mistakes or even after reading this will still make them! I know because I made the same mistakes myself and I can tell you there is nothing to learn from these mistakes apart form setting back your confidence, your referrals, and income as a coach.

The first is so obvious but it’s so hard to enforce:
1. The client has to ask for your help
This is a golden rule. As an enthusiastic coach you can get so caught up in helping people, you end up trying to help people that do not actually want to be helped. I call this the “Born Again Coach”. Depending on the type of coaching program you have completed depends on how much you yourself have changed in a positive way as a result of completing your training.

The best coaching programs create a safe environment and have you understand the process of forming a client and a coach relationship in such a way you are convinced of the skills you have learnt. The side effect of this is that you may end up being a bit over the top with enthusiasm. Based on the positive changes you’ve experienced in yourself you may get caught up in the “I need to coach people” and “You MUST do this” fever that you end up coaching people that are not wanting to be coached or have just asked a question about coaching, yet you end up “doing the process on them”.

So in order to get the results you’re after, ensure that the client has asked for your help. Of course you can still sell the benefits of your coaching process or program to people, you can talk about how it works. Build a solid case of why someone would like a coach. The key to you not going over the top, and building your business is how you leave the conversation with a potential client:  something like, ‘So if that is something you are interested in then give me a call and I can email you an outline of how a coaching session works and we can take it from there’.

2. The client has investment in the process
This is so important. If you charge $20 for a session, you will get $20 clients and $20 results. Now when we talk about investment I do not only mean monetary investment. Investment can come about in a number of ways. Investment means that the client has a big commitment to the process. Now the more you pay for something or the harder it is to get, the more investment and commitment you have in the product/service. It’s the same with Life Coaching or NLP Coaching. You want a client that will follow your every suggestion to a tee in order to get the result they are working towards. Remember that the client wants results so by not having them invest in the process you are likely to not get the results and therefore are not doing them any service.

If you do not have the client invested in the process you will have two things happen. 1 The hardest client and coaching session you have had, or 2 the client will do everything for the process not to work, including not turning up, questioning the process and not following instructions. Do you really want a client like that?

3. The client surrenders to the coaching process
This one is a good one to remember when you are working with people that think they know best. They will tell you how to do the coaching session and how you could improve. Now there is feedback and there is a client that is doing the process of being a client and a coach at the same time. That’s hard. So when working with a client, make sure they are being a client and are accepting the process. They must surrender to the process which means they are being the “client”. Never let the hats change during a coaching session. “I am the Coach” should be what you say in the event the client starts to challenge you or become difficult.

4. You need to be compensated
Let’s face it, when you add up how much you invested in your coaching training, I am sure it was significant. Your skills are worth being paid for. Here is an interesting reframe I like to use for a coach that does not understand how much you should be remunerated.
How much did your training cost?
How much did the coaching course cost to develop?
How many people have used your coaching program to get results?
Was your coaching program something you downloaded for $47 from a website?
Did you make this process or coaching session up yourself?
Given this, what do you believe the “process” of your coaching program is worth?

Now I am sorry if this sounds blunt but it’s not about you, it’s about the tried and tested techniques and processes you’ve invested in learning to empower people and enable people to make the changes they want to make but can’t do it on their own. You are the skilled up enabler of these processes. Now with that all said and done, as with any service that provides results, you deserve to be paid for your time, knowledge and skills you’re using to enable change and positive results with a client.

5. Give the client what s/he asks for, not what others say they “should” do
This one is simple, however easy to get caught up in. Be it parents having you coach their kids, employers sending you their employes, or wife sending you her husband. They will often tell you what your client needs. DO NOT get fooled. If you take on what other people say the client needs you are setting yourself up for failure. The wife that sends her hubby to a quit smoking session that she bought him for his birthday will not get results unless it’s something that he himself has been rolled in to.

So what do you do in this situation?

Firstly you need to understand where the actual client sits in the situation. Taking on a client that has not invested themselves or bought into the process is a tricky situation and one that requires optimal negotiation and tasking skills to get results. If this is not foreseeable then you have the option of resigning the client with a full explanation of why.

6. You need to NOT be part of the problem
This one often comes as a surprise: working with family members. You will want to help and work with your family who might be your first clients. But before you do make sure you are not part of the problem otherwise it’s going to get ugly! Trust me on this one.

Imagine you are giving advice with a client and the advice you are giving them has the same meaning on the problem you are working on. Or you are helping your client that is your partner not get upset about when people say things about them and yet you have done just that. One thing is guaranteed, it’s going to get uncomfortable! Unless you can maintain distance from the issue when working with family, don’t get involved.

So think about these mistakes and be sure to do them to confirm for yourself that I was right! With over 10 years’ of coaching I can tell you these mistakes will not help you.

Are there any other mistakes you’ve experienced or have seen other Life Coaches make when they start out with clients?

Removing Phobias – 19 Phobia Removals in less than 10mins?

By | Life Coaching Tips | No Comments

Recently at training I had a chance to break my personal record of removing phobias. At this training 19 people out of the 75 had a phobia, and in 10 minuets I had assisted them in removing phobias. For each of those 19 people, their phobia was gone!

Let’s first talk about what a phobia is. To put it into context, the dictionary definition is “a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it”. Here is the interesting part of a phobia; it is fear and fear is there to protect you. Many spiders and snakes (especially in Australia) are dangerous and it is OK to have a fear of them. Heights can be dangerous and again if you are on a tall building or higher up in a tree, a fear of falling is OK. But it’s the “compelling desire to avoid it” that is the interesting part.

Let’s look at fear of flying, one that many people have. Also one that a lot of people have investment to overcome especially if they want to have a holiday. This can be a great example of how one day the phobia can cause you to face it. Recently I was on a flight and in the seat next to me was a young woman having a heavy breathing, sweating phobic reaction to flying. I asked her what was wrong just in case I was doing a major mind read. She said “I have a fear of flying”. My response was “so how come you are on a plane?” She gave me the reasons. I mentioned it was her lucky day as I was a hypnotherapist and had helped many people to remove their phobias and could help her in as little as 10 minutes. All she would need to do was to ask. We had not even finished boarding the plane. She thanked me kindly for the offer but passed. Her boyfriend was giving her a lot of attention and trying to calm her down.

This had me intrigued to understand what was the investment in having the phobia or how could doing anything else make the feeling worse? Perhaps subconsciously she was enjoying the extra attention from her boyfriend? Secondary gain from an emotional issue is one that is never apparent but often a driving force in keeping the issue. So I left it at that. I have learned from the past that it is important for the client to want to do the process. Anyway back to the 19 people that decided to let it go.

i wanted to make sure everyone had the choice so I asked if everyone wanted to commit to the process and how would they know it was gone. We did a few tests to narrow down the rational fears vs. phobias.Then using hypnosis I completed the simple yet very effective process with the group, making sure each person was able to go through the process without fully experiencing the phobic response.

After some checking I found a few people still had some residual fear on the event, so with some more minor work with a few that wanted to commit 100% in making sure it was dealt with, we checked again and all 19 people felt that the phobia was gone. By testing an event in the future and by talking about their past fear they could tell it was no longer a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it. They could think about it as not being an issue now.

Some of the comments used to describe the clients’ feelings about the process:
•    I feel there is less negative energy around it
•    I feel silly that it was so easy to let it go
•    I know that it was an event that had that effect on me but now I could just think about it without feeling the pressure in my chest
•    When I think about it just feels like something that used to be a problem

The real test is when they came face to face to that fear. This has been proven many times to be a great test as a convincer for people that are non believers or people that have a good grip on the problem, however it is not necessary.

Why is my client saying they can't make pictures in their head?

By | Life Coaching Tips | No Comments

Many times people have had a conversation with an NLP coach about their inability to make pictures in their head. Often it’s the process of not realising that they actually do it already, and sometimes it’s a process of not following instructions.

Whatever it is, as a coach you need to have behavioural flexibility and respect the client’s model of the world. After that it might be a good idea to work out how the client “does it”.

Here is an example; I was having a phone conversation with a client who claimed that he could not make pictures in his head. I asked what he did for a job and he told me that he’d retired. I then asked ‘what have you retired from?’. He said “I was a construction engineer”.

Now immediately I knew that you would have to be able to visualise or make pictures in your head in order to see a construction project completed or even to see it get started. You would need to look at the risk assessment, create an idea in your head of how to overcome those risks, and each part of the project would need to be visualised before being put into a plan.

Building picI then asked if he used to see projects completed once he had the brief or the outline for the construction project? Of course the answer was yes. Then it got very interesting. He told me that ever since he retired he has been unable to visualise. So as an NLP coach I used the presupposition that he relates visualisation to his old career or the “job” or “work”.

I started with a metaphor. I told him about the building I was working on, how it was very tall and had sunlight throughout the day, however it got very hot due to the sun and that other buildings in the area did not get as much sunlight due to the building I was in. I was thinking how easy would it be to allow some kind of reflection plates to filter and redirect the sun to the other buildings. I would imagine it could be done with some clever engineering. All you would need would be some way of tracking the sun, working out the best way to filter and deflect.

At that point he started talking about the building’s location, the height, what it was made of, and I could hear him thinking, I really could. Then he started talking about a project just like that he was working on.

At that point I stopped him and asked him if he could see that project in his mind now? ‘Of course’ he said. ‘We worked on it for about a year”. My response to that was “so you can see pictures and visualise!’.

He laughed and said well I guess I do!

So when it comes to the use of visualisation, I would suggest that having a picture of yourself successfully completing an event would be more compelling then just talking through it. If in the future you come across this, ask the person to describe something to you, like their kitchen. In order to do this, they would have to have an image of the kitchen in order to tell you about it. Then tell them to imagine standing at the stove top looking at the pots (associated). Then tell them to imagine seeing themself standing at the stove top looking at the pots (disassociated).

It’s that easy. Sometimes people like to make the process harder than it needs to be. Over the years I have had many people tell me they cannot make pictures, yet after 5 minutes I have them describing things in detail and I can see by their eye patterns that they are making pictures in their mind.

Visualisation, creative imagination, or pretending, are all much the same. Remember that the effects of seeing yourself in the future completing something successfully can make a massive difference to the outcome.

Paste your AdWords Remarketing code here
Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software